The Last Quarter …

Remember four years ago … way back in 2019 … just prior to the pandemic rocking our entire world? Those were the good ole days right? Many of us were just mindlessly taking our lives and liberties for granted. The old boy was just shy of 66 and I was 61 when the coronavirus brought all of us to our knees. All our preconceived notions of security and safety were shattered. The workings of the entire world came to a grinding halt. The vulnerability and fragility of our humanity was rendered collectively palpable by that invisible but potent virus. It was a completely alarming apocalypse/awakening for most of us.

By 2022, we were starting to breathe a sigh of relief. It seemed that the worst of the global Covid -19 upheavals were behind us. We unmasked and enjoyed seeing smiles on folks faces again. Many employees went back to their workplaces. Some recognized that they didn’t need public offices to get the job done. Families were allowed to gather together again. We treasured time connecting with others face-to-face with newfound appreciation. It felt like life might be resuming some kind of “normal” … where we were no longer marinating in that sense of perilous pandemic precariousness. I was starting to relax into old patterns until one of our very dearest friends, Jacky, uttered a statement that also rocked my world and changed my approach to life. As I recall it, we were having a lovely conversation when she very astutely declared:

“We’re in the last quarter”

Whatttt?? My heart literally skipped a beat. I had never before thought of my life in that way. I’m not much for football, but it’s a very solid and sobering metaphor. Given that the average life span of people in North American culture is 80 years … the old boy and I had solidly landed in the final quarter of this precious game called “life.” Her words triggered an intense and immediate sense of urgency within me. I felt compelled to play the last quarter differently. Not that I hold too many regrets. By and large, I don’t. I believe I have made the best of my days during the first three quarters, but with my friend’s sage suggestion … I became acutely aware that I have far less time to squander. I instantly felt determined to live my days by deliberate design rather than simply by default. I have come to realize that NOW is the time to honor all the things that I have been ‘putting off’ to some ubiquitous but subsequent date.

And so, the burning question that has been stirring more and more uncomfortably in my soul for these last couple of years is this:

“How are we going to shape the last quarter??

As I was speculating on how I might more deliberately shape the days yet to come, I recalled that on June 25, 2015 … I had published a password protected blog called “Living Life in 3D: My Dreams, Desires and Delights”. I have no idea why I password protected it (maybe because it felt fragile, tender and private in some ways). Who knows … but, I recently revisited it because I was curious about the things I thought were important to do eight years ago.  As I pondered this list, I could see that:

Some of the items could be crossed off because they are no longer relevant to me …

• mailing a ‘secret’ to Post Secret
  • this holds no appeal to me … not sure why I even had it on the list.
• dressing up for Halloween
  • this holds less appeal for me now than it did 8 years ago
• writing my own eulogy … filling it with notions that reflect my last will and testament
  • this also holds no more appeal for me now … I’m actually curious why I thought it would be interesting to do???

Some can be checked off the list because they have been accomplished …

• becoming proficient in EMDR to benefit those who are struggling with traumas … because, let’s face it … we all have experienced some kind of trauma
  • I actually refreshed my original training in EMDR … plus … have also added basic, advanced and enhanced certification in ART (Accelerated Resolution Therapy)
• leading a protest about something important to me
  • perhaps filing a 25 page grievance fits the definition of taking a firm protest! I don’t regret one thing about voicing my protest – even though taking such a strong stand got me “fired” … but that is a story for another day.
  • attending a protest in honor of Black Lives Matter after George Floyd was killed was deeply meaningful to me. I didn’t lead the protest, but I joined it wholeheartedly despite the fact that we were fully into the pandemic and large ‘groups’ were not permitted by public mandate.

Some required tweaking …

• continuing to coach folks who want to shift out of their ‘stuck-ness’ and be the next best expression of who they can be in the world
  • I ended up putting my coaching on hold for the past few years because I was more than busy enough with my counselling and trauma work commitments
• continuing to support people by adding some sparks of light in the dark spaces in their world … illuminating possibilities that were not previously visible
  • I have been posting inspiring material on my social media platforms and wholeheartedly enjoying my work as a counsellor/therapist
  • I have been savoring the opportunity to work in my own private practice for the last five years … although that is about to change
• practicing yoga more regularly because it deeply connects my body/mind/spirit
  • Covid-19 disrupted my ability to get down on a mat at the studio. I have, however, been enjoying a regular practice of “Live Essentrics Class” via Facebook since the pandemic. I thoroughly enjoy this comprehensive modality of vigorous stretching. It is an effective and efficient way to keep an aging body supple, limber and flexible.

Some are still ongoing …

• reading … for both interest and pleasure
  • I love, love, love my Audible App. It allows me to read while I walk, clean, weed the garden or drive. And, I always have several books in the queue waiting for me!!
• sipping beautiful wines … perhaps more than I should on occasion (judge me if you will!)
  • Can I just share that I discovered a lovely wine to enjoy in the heat of the summer that has 0 grams of sugar in it!! It is made in Canada by a brewery called BASK. I don’t particularly enjoy the red variety … but the blush is divine!!
• walking 10,000 kilometers (preferably in the sunshine)
  • I have logged 6934 kilometers at this point.
• traveling to more far-away places
  • the pandemic put a damper on the travel plans we had set in place, but we have pencilled in a few trips for 2024 already.
• spending more time one-on-one with my daughters and my grandchildren
  • currently I have carved out time one-on-one as part of their birthday gifts and we have come to enjoy a girls get-a-way in honor of Mother’s Day but I would like to do these things more often.
• publishing more blogs that articulate the truths in my soul …
  • eventually posting my “Rock the Boat” blogs that I am too scared to share at this point
  • maybe getting around to publishing the countless drafts I have started but not finished yet in all three of my blogsites!
• enjoying more lunch dates with friends … i.e. four hour lunches that are clearly not about the lunch
• allowing myself more solitude without apology … because it is essential to restore the energy of my highly sensitive and introverted soul
• watching exceptionally good series on Netflix
• laughing more often and more loudly and more audaciously
• sit down breakfasts
  • the old boy has taken to creating some amazing sit-down breakfasts on his days off work!! 😍
• having more time to simply putter … and … let the tugs of my heart guide my meandering
• taking more time for stillness and purely presence-ing the moment

Many have yet to be honored … 

• serving at a soup kitchen
• building a ‘laughter’ book on Shutterfly
• renting a LUXURY hotel room for one night … all alone
• enjoying a Random Acts of Kindness holiday … a holiday where we spend our time conspiring to bring other’s smiles and offering random acts of kindness

And, since I wrote that original list, I’ve determined that some more things need to be added!

• getting back to quilting – I took a quilting course several decades ago but have not had the time to enjoy it. I hope to resurrect this passion in the final quarter.
  • And during the pandemic … the old boy hand-rendered me a beautiful sewing table! I look forward to spending more time perched in front of it!

• playing bridge … revisiting the rules and learning how to play again … maybe joining a league in 2024
• learning how to play pickle ball! I am very interested in trying it out!
• free days – days that have NO obligations, NO responsibilities and/or NO commitments in them … days that can be shaped by whatever I might fancy in any given moment
• photography … oh my – I have developed a deep affinity for photographing sunsets! No two are alike and it just never gets old. I look forward to capturing many more …

• bird watching (I can’t even believe I am actually writing this down!!)
• and … and … and … and … 😀

I recently read a book called “Four Thousand Weeks” written by Oliver Burkeman. The book title is the number of weeks equivalent to living for 80 years. So, I did the math. I have roughly 736 weeks left. 😬 The old boy has far less than that. He is down to about 513. 😲

And, not to be morose, but at our ages the only thing for absolutely certain in the weeks that lie ahead is … decline. Unless our demise is quick and unexpected, decline is simply inevitable. My awareness that we will never be as young and healthy as we are right now provides an urgent wake-up call for us to be more mindful about how we spend our minutes, hours and days!

With no real certainty of how much health and mobility I will be able to maintain over the coming years … I am committed to doing things that I have been putting off for ‘later’ because I have no idea how much more ‘later’ I am going to have.  I’m guessing that many of you reading this might relate.

Photo Credit: Karen Lanser

So, in keeping with all of this … we started putting the wheels in motion in June of 2022. The first big shift we knew we needed to make was to sell our house. We loved our home and particularly our big pie-shaped yard. We lived there for 28 years, but it was far too big for the two of us and required far too much work to maintain. So, we gave ourselves a year to downsize and prepare to move into a smaller condo that we already owned in the city. We gave our tenants a one-year notice. And then, 13 months later our house was sold and we had moved.

Then, I totally blindsided myself when I made the unexpected but necessary decision to retire at the end of 2023. I had started my career as a counsellor/therapist later in life and have loved it so much that I never anticipated retiring from it so soon. However, it became clear that I would have to work more hours that I preferred for the final quarter in order to make it logistically and financially feasible. I knew I needed to quit. Gahhhhh.

And so, in less than two weeks … effective December 18, 2023 … I will no longer be seating myself across from my clients. I can tell you that leaving our home triggered one kind of mourning. Moving away from the close proximity to our best friends in the cul-de-sac sparked another level of loss. And, now, losing the opportunity to connect with my clients is stirring up a whole different type of grief. My work has nourished my spirit in such meaningful, magnificent and immeasurable ways. It has never been ‘just a job’ for me. No. Not ever. Perhaps I’ll write more about this on another occasion but suffice to say right now … all these significant shifts weigh extra heavy on my heart. I also know, however, that these changes are timely and will also foster endless new possibilities for me.

Photo Credit: Karen Lanser

Many people are a wary of retirement because they wonder what on earth they will do with their time. They fear that they will become bored and/or depressed and/or purposeless. That is not at all the case for me! While I know there will be emotional challenges as I shift out of my usual beings and doings … it is my intention to make the last quarter the BEST quarter!!

What about you? What have you been putting off for “later”? Does any of this conversation stir something within you that deserves more of your attention. If so, I hope you will explore those inner nigglings … even if you are not in the last quarter! Perhaps you are approaching the last third or the last half? How would it look if you gave yourself permission to shape your days more in keeping with the way you preferred? What joys would you add? What ‘oughts‘, ‘musts‘ and ‘shoulds‘ might you surrender? What would the optimal ‘pace’ of your life look like? What would you most like to keep and what might you most like to leave behind?

What if we all got a bit more deliberate about how we spend our moments, days and weeks? I am realizing that we would be wise to do so because … the hours fly by quickly and before we know it … they have turned into years. Somehow, while the old boy and I weren’t paying close enough attention … we officially turned into “senior citizens.” The paperwork has been filed so the pensions and old age security can be direct-deposited. Sensible shoes are essential. Elastic waist bands trump more fashionable styles. I’ve learned that purple shampoo is a must to combat ‘brassy’ tones of ever-whitening hair. The skin on my arms now looks like crepe paper. My knuckles are growing gnarly and my ring size is a full four sizes larger than when I got married. I can remember song lyrics from the 80s but I don’t have a clue why I came downstairs. Not too long ago, I was out walking and someone kindly(?) told their dog to “watch out for the little old lady.” I’m sure my gasp was audible. Yep, we are breathing our way into these ‘golden years’. It is a daunting realization … but … here we are.

And, thanks to my friend Jacky, I am moving forward far more consciously and more deliberately. I am intent on spending this last quarter much more mindfully. How about you?

Photo Credit: Karen Lanser

With eager anticipation and much enthusiasm … 🧡Karen🧡

The Hero We Have Been Waiting For …

When I saw this meme on social media, I knew I needed to speak more about it. As a counsellor/therapist, who works with trauma on a regular basis, I have come to realize that THIS awareness becomes the bridge to our healing.

We, ourselves, are the hero we have been waiting for. Yes. No one is coming to save us from the wounding of our prior lived experiences. We, ourselves, have the opportunity to honor our own healing with so many powerful and transformative therapeutic practices that are rooted in understanding how overwhelming experiences happening on the outside shape us on the inside.

Healing ‘what happens inside of us’ as a result of ‘what happened outside of us’ is not something we can typically do alone. However, with the help of a well-trained therapist we can seek to find the source of our internal pain. Once we know where it is rooted, we can more effectively heal.

And, when I speak of traumatic experiences … I am not just referring to explosions and accidents and abuse. While these are commonly called “big T” trauma there are many common causes of more complex trauma (often called “small ‘t’ trauma”) which are less obvious but can be even more deeply wounding and difficult to process than a single incident.

In general, trauma can emerge in the presence of any events, situations and circumstances that engage our ‘fight, flight, freeze, flop, fawn/fix’ stress responses. Especially, if/when the alarm/arousal in our system is not ameliorated by a timely return to a felt sense of ‘safety’ (emotionally, physically, mentally, socially etc). It’s complicated and I will not endeavor to explain all the layers and complexities here … but … the following gives you a sense of the defense systems that are primary protections for all of us. Flop is not discussed in this graphic … it is often termed “collapse/submit”. Fawn is sometimes called “please/appease”.

There are various names for the same autonomic nervous system responses but I think this will give you a fairly good sense of what happens when our ‘stress response’ is activated. We do not consciously choose our response. It is decided for us … by the part of the brain whose job it is to keep us safe … and the defense system that is activated will depend upon the situation. Your system might opt for ‘fight’ in one alarming situation and ‘fawn’ in another moment of threat.

Even in the presence of the same event, people’s internal experiences can be very unique and different for each and every one of us. An external event ‘triggers’ our internal stress response. Things that may be deeply distressing and overwhelming to one individual may not be as overwhelming to another. Often, things shift from scary and/or terrifying to ‘traumatic’ when we do not have adequate support to help us through them. If we have adequate support, we can experience horrible things without experiencing lingering ‘trauma’.

Trauma can also be triggered by the absence of things that should have happened. Believe it or not … lack of nurture, persistent neglect, abandonment/attachment disruption can be incredibly traumatizing. The highly respected ACE (Adverse Childhood Experiences) study speaks to a number of stressful childhood experiences that can impact a person’s health and wellbeing over their lifetime.

Source Unknown

If any this conversation speaks to you … in any way … for any reason … even if you don’t understand why … do yourself a favor and seek out support from someone who has been trained in EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) and/or ART (Accelerated Resolution Therapy). Just press the ‘Find a Therapist’ link on either site. Have a conversation with them in order to ensure that the connection feels like a good ‘fit’.

Or, you may want to reach out to someone who is trained in other therapeutic modalities that also reach beyond your cognitive and conscious awareness! There are a number of them including: Somatic Experiencing, Hypnotherapy, RTT (Rapid Transformational Therapy) EFT Tapping (Emotional Freedom Techniques), Brain Spotting, Trauma Informed Yoga … to name a few. It’s important to choose something that feels right for you. Sometimes people have tried counselling or therapy but have not found it helpful due to a lack of easy and effortless rapport between the therapist and the client. Keep looking until you find someone that you feel really comfortable with.

Clinicians who are well versed in trauma responses are trained to work with the changes in your nervous system that were never completely processed when stressful things were happening around you. Often, these internal changes can leave us feeling like there is something ‘wrong’ with us. Often, a response that was very adaptive and helpful during a stressful time will not be beneficial at another point in our lives. In fact, repeating the choices and behavior that got us through one challenge will sometimes create more problems for us at a later date in our lives.

For example, although anxiety and depression have historically been pathologized and are often diagnosed as ‘disorders’, they are often a very typical responses to experiencing chronically stressful or persistently overwhelming events. While medications can make it easier to tolerate the disruptions in our neurobiology, they do not typically address the source of the problem. For example, if a person went to a doctor complaining of experiencing chronic headaches every morning … the doctor might prescribe Advil or Tylenol to relieve the persistent discomfort. These analgesics work … but … it would be far more effective is the doctor knew that you were consuming a bottle or two of wine every night.

The solutions look different if/when we have enough information. We can treat a ‘symptom’ (headache) or we can address the root cause (excessive alcohol consumption). Fortunately, our mental health services are finally moving in the direction of exploring and treating the causes not just the symptoms of our distress.

Professionally, I have been trained in both EMDR and ART. And personally, I have been on the path to healing for decades myself. I have done so much meaningful personal growth … but … I would say that these particular therapeutic interventions were so life-altering for me that they are likely the most beneficial of all the counselling/therapy I have engaged in over the years. They honored the internal origins of my distress, not just the symptoms of it. The depth and breadth of my own personal healing actually propelled me to get trained so I could offer the benefits to others.

We owe a lifetime of gratitude to Francine Shapiro and Laney Rosenzweig for inspiring these powerful forms of healing. I remain deeply grateful for the healing I have been able to support in the counselling room. The protocols are hard to explain … they might seem to be a bit ‘woohoo’. My clients have stated that if they hadn’t tried it, they would never have believed the difference it would make.

It’s hard to fathom that ‘bilateral stimulation’ (e.g. moving our eyes back and forth, tapping on the body left/right etc) invites the nervous system to process distress that has been locked into our neurobiology … and then … help return it to a state of regulation and safety. But … I have seen remarkable results. Sometimes people will even have a spontaneous remission of chronic ailments. I have experienced this myself. As Bessel van der Kolk, (renowned psychiatrist, author, researcher and educator) wisely contends “the body keeps the score”. He authored a fascinating book by the same name.

Traumatic experiences also affect our immune system. Emotions are often numbed as well. Digestion is impacted. Fertility is affected. The PH of the skin is altered. Blood flow and oxygen are shunted from the part of our brain that helps us make sense of the world and so, when we are triggered/alarmed/aroused, we just can’t think clearly. It makes it hard to concentrate or learn or stay focused. The ‘whole’ of our system is impacted by ‘what happens to us’ internally when we experience ‘what happens to us’ externally.

By the way, I am not writing this to invite more clients. I am not accepting new clients currently and do not expect to be doing so at any time in the near future. I am just interested in ensuring that all people who are carrying wounds from their childhoods … and/or … wounds from any point in their lives are able to gain access to the kind of support that has not always been easily accessible (until the last few decades).

As I shared, if any of this conversation is sparking something inside you … follow up. Do yourself a favor and explore where that still small voice inside might be leading you. You are worth your time. You are worth your interest. You are worth your effort.

With deepest reverence for our collective healing, Karen

“Hi Karen. Your Job. How do you do it??”

“Hi Karen. Your job. How do you do it?? It has to feel overwhelming at times. All those stories and people with so many challenges – I know you love it and are passionate about what you do but there must be times you just want to bury your head and cry for the people who are suffering. I’m guessing the joy of helping someone pull out from under heavy burdens is the reward that makes it all worthwhile.”

LA

This heartfelt query arrived by email a while back and, as a counsellor/therapist, I get various versions of this question all the time! I completely understand the curiosity … people assume that ‘a typical day at the office’ means I am drowning in people’s upsets, distress, wounding and pain. But, in all sincerity … that is not my experience of my work at all. I am so incredibly inspired … on a regular basis … by the people I am fortunate enough to work with. Yes. I am both honored and humbled by the depth of genuine and authentic connection that characterizes my job. I can never know what the day will bring, but I feel a deep sense of reverence for each moment I get to spend with my peeps. I just never tire of the work I do. I wish I could sum it all up in one nice, concise, tidy paragraph … but … there are so very many layers and complexities involved in ‘how I do what I do’. I’m just hoping I can do it all justice here on these pages.

First, let me begin with a little back story. Even as a small little girl, I always knew what I wanted to be when I grew up. For me, ‘success’ in life would be realized when I got my PhD in Psychology and could help people heal the wounds of their childhoods. I dreamed of helping humans thrive despite the trials/tribulations/traumas that threatened to deter, derail, diminish, and/or defeat them. I could think of nothing more compelling than being seated before someone in a sacred space of sharing and fully honoring all the parts of their lived experience.

Some wise soul said we often want to give others what we most need to receive ourselves. I suspect that is true for me. So, the first part of my answer to ‘how I do what I do’ is that I have always had a passion for it! I have an insatiable curiosity about our collective humanity. I love to hear people’s stories. I have book shelves filled with self-help books. I am fascinated by neuroscience. And, as schmaltzy as it sounds, I feel like I really am living ‘my purpose’ on the planet. I cannot imagine a more rich or rewarding career.

All that said, and even though this vision was always crystal clear to me, it took me about a quarter of a century longer than I expected to get here. There were a whole number of zigs and zags along my 25-year path to this career. Somewhere along the way I realized that I didn’t need a doctorate in psychology to live out my dream. Initially, I became a Integrative Coaching Professional certified by The Ford Institute. And while this career choice deeply nourished my passion for a number of years, I eventually pursued and obtained both my Bachelor and Master of Social Work degrees as well. And sometime later, I was also inspired to become certified in the most powerful interventions for healing and processing trauma … i.e. Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing [EMDR] and Accelerated Resolution Therapy [ART].

I should also share that I don’t think I could ‘do what I do’ if I didn’t hold so much reverence and respect for the people I am fortunate enough to work with. I remain deeply humbled by the depth of adversity we humans are invited to endure along life’s journeys. The stories that people share are replete with both reprehensible heartache and rich resilience. I have nothing but the utmost admiration for the folks that find their way to my office. And, I feel incredibly privileged to be welcomed into the the most tender and fragile parts of their being. They have taught me so much about myself and stretched my appreciation for the magnitude of the human spirit in the most magnificent ways.

In keeping with that, I must take issue with anyone who might regard counselling/therapy as something reserved for the weak or broken. Nothing could be further from the truth! It takes incredible strength and courage to reach out when we are struggling. It takes so darn much tenacity to look inside ourselves. I so deeply respect those who are willing to tease out what is not working well in their lives … and also then … assume responsibility for addressing it. It requires a level of candid honesty, transparency and authenticity that terrifies the best of us. I have absolute reverence for humans committed to their own healing. I honor and applaud them because I know they are often scared spitless and, yet, they show up for themselves anyway. 🙌

Perhaps the most critical prerequisite to ‘doing what I do‘ is ensuring I have done/continue doing my own inner work. It is essential for me to make peace with my own past so I can stay fully present for my peeps. If not, my unhealed stuff will invariably get activated by what is happening in their lives. If what I am observing triggers any kind of emotional discomfort and/or psychological judgment inside me (i.e. if I start bleeding myself), I have been hijacked back to my own unresolved stuff and can no longer tend to their wounding. And, if/when it happens (which it does on occasion), I see it as a red flag pointing me to additional layers of my own healing that need more attention.

So, if I am doing my job well, I need to arrive at the office as emotionally clean and mentally clear as humanly possible. That said, I have been diligent about doing my own inner work for almost 30 years. Pursing my own personal development is an investment I make in myself that benefits both me and my people.

Source unknown, but deeply appreciated.

And, after years of ‘doing what I do’, I have learned I also need to be well rested and emotionally/mentally grounded so I can hold sufficient space to best honor people’s needs. Given the gravity of the challenges that often typify my work, I cannot just ‘coast’ through my days in any way, shape or form. I need to be as alert, attentive and aware as possible. As such, committing to an impeccable level of self care becomes an imperative, rather than simply an optional indulgence.

This does not mean I am spending time in luxurious spas … although that can be very nourishing too. Solitude is one of my saving graces. So is walking outdoors in the sunshine and communing with Mother Nature. Limiting my exposure to sensationalized news reports is essential because all that fear-mongering is not good for my nervous system. Did I mention the soothing capacity of candles and twinkle lights? Never underestimate the profound peace inspired by casting a warm glow across the darkness. There are infinite ways to kindle our inner flames.

Given the tremendous compassion and empathy I feel for how harrowing, hard and horrendous my peeps experiences may have been … another requisite for ‘how I do what I do’ is to ensure I do not to ‘join’ people in the overwhelm they might be feeling. Just as a life guard does not jump into the water to save someone who is flailing/floundering … I will not be able toss my people a lifeline if I get lost and/or mired down in the murk/mayhem they are experiencing. Rather, I must always keep an eye fixed upon where ‘the way out’ may be for them. One of the most vital parts of my job is helping folks find a way to ‘live a great live anyway’ … despite any people, challenges and/or situations that have been holding them hostage and/or keeping them stuck.

It’s not that I see myself as some expert who can swoop in and fix, rescue or protect people. No. It is not my job to save anyone. In fact, it would be a grave error for me to presume that I have all the answers for another human. They are the expert of their lives, not me. What might serve one person very well in a particular situation might not be the optimal answer for someone else in the same circumstances.

Ultimately, I trust that the people who choose to work with me are best served when I can meet them with compassionate curiosity about what is happening in their worlds. I truly believe the answers people are seeking are tucked deep down within their own souls … it’s just really hard to see the picture when you are inside the frame. My job is to guide the exploration so they can better sort things out and can become the hero/heroine in their own story. That way, they can save themselves.

Source Unknown but deeply appreciated.

The conversations in my work days are often heartbreakingly heavy. However, as identified by the author of the aforementioned email, it is exceptionally encouraging and infinitely inspiring to witness people overcoming the things that threaten to take them down to their knees. The best I can do is offer people tools to help them build or rebuild their lives. It is up to each individual to decide whether or not they will pick up those tools or leave them behind in my office.

People might fly or they may continue to flounder. It is entirely up to them … but only 100% of the time. I can take no credit for any gains they might make. Any and all success they procure belongs completely to themselves. In addition to that, I must also humbly accept that despite my best efforts, I may not be able to help everyone. In order ‘to do what I do’ – I must be at complete peace with that. Otherwise, I will be more invested in their healing than they are. And that never serves the greatest good. The most meaningful transformation comes from people liberating themselves. I do not ever want to rob them of that joy.

The mindset I bring to my work is a pivotal part of ‘how I do what I do’. So, over the years, I have found it beneficial to ground myself, both personally and professionally, in a theoretical standpoint that helps me hold a sacred space of healing for the humans that seek me out for support. Debbie Ford, (author and my life coaching mentor/trainer) contended that there is ‘a blessing in every challenge’ and/or a ‘challenge in every blessing’. I must admit it took me a while to warm up to these unorthodox suppositions.

She used the wise analogy of baking a cake to explain this seemingly preposterous premise. Debbie reminds us that when baking a delicious cake, there are a lot of bad, icky, bitter ingredients that are essential to include (i.e. flour, baking soda, baking powder, vinegar, salt, etc.) In and of themselves, these ingredients are downright inedible. And, if they do not get blended well enough into the mix, they can become distasteful ‘lumps’ in the batter. Yet, if you tried to make the cake without these unpalatable ingredients… the outcome would be undesirable as well. The most delicious cake requires a thorough blending of both the bitter and the sweet ingredients.

If metaphorically speaking … the cake is our life … our trials and tribulations are the bitter bits that can become ‘lumps in our batter’ if they are not sufficiently integrated into the whole. They can unexpectedly show up and spoil the sweetness in life that we would otherwise enjoy. Often, humans invest a whole lot of energy trying to avoid, escape, repress and suppress those ‘lumps’. We welcome the ‘good’ and do anything to avoid/reject all the ‘bad’. But, unfortunately, eliminating the challenges from our lives is no easier than trying to extract the vinegar and baking soda from the cake batter. It just can’t be done.

Debbie invites us to consider that the grandest versions of our lives (i.e. the most delicious cakes) are better accessed by embracing all of our experiences. What if it is true that in order to live our very best lives, we need to accept and integrate both the good and the bad? Perhaps we might actually rise into the best expression of who we can be in the world by making peace with the past and blending together both the bitter and sweet experiences into the ‘whole’ of our lives.

For example, I was an only child who grew up in an unstable and chaotic home with a whole lot of ‘lumps in my batter.’ My dad was an emotionally volatile alcoholic. My mom suffered from clinical depression/anxiety … perhaps exacerbated by chronic physical pain. She became addicted to prescription drugs. She and my dad divorced when I was 12 years old after years of fighting and financial instability. My father moved a thousand miles away so I had no ongoing relationship with him. My mom and I lived on welfare. She was also diagnosed with bipolar disorder and was committed to psychiatric hospitals on a number of occasions. I ended up in foster care three times for various lengths of time. My mom also had multiple surgeries and was relegated to a wheel chair after one of them. Yes, their were lots of lumps in my childhood batter.

While it was not at all evident to me at the time, when looking back through the lens of ‘lumpy batter,’ I can see there were many gifts wrapped up in these ugly challenges. I can see, in retrospect, that these experiences actually grew me in very significant and welcome ways. They stretched my capacity to read people’s emotions. I am able to tap into what people are feeling very easily. They sharpened my intuition/instincts. I can often understand what people have trouble articulating. They deepened my compassion for people’s struggles. I have such empathy for the pain and wounding people have endured. They taught me that we do not need to be defined by our circumstances. I learned that shame and blame can be transformed. Ultimately, the lumps in my batter helped shape the compassionate eyes I bring to the counselling room.

I would add that when you’ve been through adversity yourself … it shifts the ‘way’ you listen and ‘what’ you hear. It can help you tap into the ‘felt’ sense of things.  It offers you an understanding of the parts of the situation, circumstance and/or event that aren’t easily described in words. Yes. Somehow, my prior lived experience has stretched my capacity for understanding of what is not being said in addition to what I hear folks vocalizing. I would argue that looking beyond the ‘ugly wrapping’ and/or blending and integrating the ‘lumps in my batter’ was helpful in terms of stretching me into a really humble, intuitive and non-judgmental therapist. Who knew my childhood was the real training ground for my dream job!!

What I know ‘for sure’ is that my decision to embrace life from this empowering perspective has shifted ‘how I do what I do.’ No one grows up without some lumps in their batter. I no longer pity people who have lumps in their batter because I opt to explore how those lumps may perhaps bring blessings (growth, lessons, learnings, insights etc) and/or bear other ‘gifts’ in really ugly wrapping. Yes. I give myself permission to flirt with the notion that people may be experiencing exactly the circumstances, challenges, difficulties and situations that can help them grow into the next best expression of who they can be in the world. 

While some of you may be skeptical whether or not all this conjecture is ‘true’ … it strikes me that proving the veracity of these tenets is of no real relevance. I would humbly suggest that the more substantive speculation should rest on whether or not embracing these perspectives serves our humanity in a meaningful and beneficial way. Does it ultimately help us navigate the prickly parts on our paths? Does it invite us to step out of powerlessness? Will it bolster our inherent strength and resilience?

And, from my experience, I would say it does indeed! I just know that looking at my life and other people’s lives through this empowering lens shifts ‘what’ I see and ‘how’ I interpret what is unfolding around me. And, it is widely touted in the therapeutic community that ‘perception creates reality’. Two people can look at exactly the same thing and see something entirely different. Two people can experience the same circumstances and feel entirely different.

As depicted in the graphic, truth is often relative. If/when we shift our perspective, we shift our ‘truth’. And THAT is an absolute game changer! Our thoughts/ideas/beliefs hold powerful keys to our how we experience our ‘realities’. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that it is not what happens to us that makes us happy or sad, but how we interpret it that creates our ‘reality’.

For example, let’s say it is raining. Rain is neither inherently good or bad. In ‘reality’ rain is just water falling from the sky. It is our perception of rain that fuels our experience of it. If we are a farmer during a hot, dry summer … the rain is perceived as a blessing. It makes us happy. That is our truth. If we are on vacation on a beach in a tropical climate, the rain is perceived as a curse. It invites us to be grumpy. When we tell people “the rain ruined our vacation”, we are speaking our truth.

However, rain is just rain. And, likewise, my childhood was just my childhood. If I focus upon how I think it was wrong and bad and the folks with the ‘white picket fence’ had it much ‘better’, I make myself miserable. If I choose to see how my childhood also primed me and prepared me to do the work that I absolutely love … then I can feel grateful for it in many ways. I’m not suggesting we ignore, dismiss or deny the pains of our past. No. Not at all. Rather, I am suggesting we explore whether the challenges we have endured may also serve us in some meaningful way.

Maybe in their totality … everything in life has a positive and negative pole? A whole atom contains both positive and negative particles. A whole day contains both light and dark. What we ‘see’ depends solely upon our perspectives. So, we might be very wise to doublecheck our perspectives and make sure we are looking at the ‘whole’ of it. What if … after honoring, acknowledging and validating the heartaches and hardships in our orbits … we also opted to look for anything good, right and/or beneficial that could also be tucked in those same experiences? How might that shape us?

The way we decide to ‘see’ things is a choice we get to make. It is simply a perspective we can choose to claim. And, I am going to suggest that when we decide to embrace the perception that “there is a blessing in every challenge” (Debbie Ford) … and/or … that “everything is happening FOR you and not TO you (Byron Katie) … and/or … that “everything is rigged in your favor” (Rumi), our felt sense of our ‘reality’ is shifted in the most rich and rewarding ways.

And, even if none of these premises are true … I really like the way I move through the world when I choose to believe them. Harnessing these perspectives (both personally and professionally) keeps me from assuming I ‘know’ what would serve any one of us best. It keeps me from judging things as right or wrong, good or bad, just or unjust. It invites me to hold space for someone’s pain, help them grieve and mourn their circumstances … and then … help them identify the ways they might use their challenges to help them grow … lest their wounding be in vain.

Choosing to accept that our trials and tribulations may be ‘celestial benedictions’ sent to stretch and grow our humanity, invites me to see so much possibility for the folks that I am privileged to serve. It honors people’s inherent strengths and infinite potentials. It keeps me curious about how my peeps might rise above whatever is threatening to sink them. It means we can honor the pains of their past without staying stuck in them. It means we can begin looking for the pony in the poop.

At any rate, it is not my intention to convince you that I am right. I am just hoping these meanderings help to explain ‘how I do what I do’. I also hope I have rendered visible that identifying people’s problems is just a wee part of my job. My ultimate work is helping people rise above the rubble … retrieve any messages in the mess … and … figure out how to use what has happened to them in order to live a great life anyway.

I cannot imagine a more meaningful and rewarding career. I cannot think of a greater gift than to be offered a chance to hold a sacred space of healing for someone who is struggling, suffering and/or stifled in some way, shape or form. I think I gain as much as I give in my exchanges with my peeps. And honestly … there is nothing more inspiring than witnessing people shining brighter and brighter and brighter … despite the depths of darkness they have endured. It’s hard to put into words just how fortunate I feel to be seated across from another soul … and … simply ‘do what I do’.

With deepest reverence for both the blessings and the challenges inherent in all of our journeys … Karen

P.S. Counselling/therapy is so incredibly complicated and intricate. There is no ‘one size fits all’ in the work that we do. I realize that my approach works in my practice with those who seek out my professional support. I am also well aware that the strategies outlined herein may not be a good a fit at all for therapists working in some settings and/or with specific demographics and/or with clientele experiencing diminished capacity for self-determination. There is certainly no one “right” way to do what we do.

Morning Miracles … ✨

It has been nearly THREE years since the menacing Covid-19 virus invaded our lives! It completely upended and irrevocably altered everyone’s lives … at least as we had all naively come to take them for granted. A global sense of angst was running rampant in our psyches. We were locked down, isolated and disconnected from our loved ones to help prevent loss of life. Far too many people died anyway. The news sensationalized the risk and exacerbated our fears. There were daily briefings. It was a global crisis indeed. And not just physically. We were emotionally, mentally and spiritually assaulted. Many were terrorized. Others were nonplused. The polarization of belief became deeply damaging to the fabric of our families, communities and countries.

When it started … we all wondered how long it would take to be over. And then, the distressing days turned into precarious weeks which turned to ominous months and, ultimately, years of trepidation. At some point near the end of 2020, it became clear to me that coronavirus was not going away anytime soon.

I instinctively knew that I needed to regulate the fears that were chronically activating my own stress response. It seemed critical to find a way to mediate the energy of collective apprehension and global uncertainty that we were collectively marinating in on a chronic basis. I made a commitment to myself to start each day with some inspiring fodder for my spirit and soul.

So … I spent 2021 waking up with Marianne Williamson. She is a spiritual teacher and the author of 14 exceptional books including “A Return to Love.” I read this book over 20 years ago … it was absolutely life-altering for me. I even named my business “Miracles! Your Center for Well-being Inc” because I was committed to seeing the world through the eyes of love, rather than the eyes of fear … but I digress.

My Bestie and I took her online course “Mornings with Marianne: Daily Lessons from A Course in Miracles”. As a counsellor/therapist, it was such a rich way to ground myself. It was such a comforting way to remind myself that I can choose how I want to approach my days … regardless of what showed up in them. Every morning I would receive a video in my inbox. It made such a difference in the quality of my moments. It helped calm my nervous system.

Then, we turned the corner on 2022 … and … the damn pandemic came with us. 🙄 I determined it would serve me well to participate in another one of Williamson’s online courses. I signed up to receive an inspiring meditation delivered right to my inbox. Every. Single. Morning.

So, for the past year, as part of my morning solitude, I have been listening to short meditations (just 1-2 minutes each) from Marianne Williamson. I pay a little extra for my subscription in order to get the audio version of it, because I love hearing the cadence and tone of her calming and soothing voice.

As I listened to the message for today … Dec 6, 2022 … it occurred to me that I should share it publicly … in order to give others a sense of the empowering energy and loving intention of these meditations. With 2023 just around the corner, I thought maybe some of you might also like to start off the New Year off with a practice that would help shape your days in a meaningful way.

Each of the these ‘transform’ meditations comes with a beautiful graphic as well. Here is the printed form of one that arrived this morning:

Marianne Williamson

May I allow these inspiring words to shape the way I show up today, tomorrow … and … all the tomorrows after that. I’ve decided that in order to increase the propensity of doing that, I am going to sign up for another of her online offerings. I think I am still going to need this to counteract all the uncertainties that still warily and unwelcomely linger in the spaces of our lives.

Wishing you the warmth and joy of the holiday season … and … may we all experience an exceptional 2023, 🧡 Karen 🧡

JOURNAL PROMPT: April 3, 2022 – What are you most grateful for … ?

I guess it depends on where I am setting my gaze, but there are so many, many, many things to be grateful for … on so many levels … micro, meso and macro. I don’t even think I could create a specific list that fully encompasses or adequately exhausts my appreciation for all the ‘beings’, ‘doings’ and ‘havings’ that shape my life and my experience of things.

I remember many years ago reading a couple of amazing books both written by M. J. Ryan focused upon the power of gratitude. “Attitudes of Gratitude” was an exceptional invitation to hone the lens through which I chose to see the world. I highlighted so much in that book that the pages were yellow. It was a game changer for me.

Another really lovely book filled with invitations to experience the world through lens of gratitude is “A Grateful Heart”.  It is a book of ‘blessings’ upon which to reflect as an evening ‘grace’ before meals. I didn’t use them in that fashion. I tended to use them as morning meditations … inspiring thoughts to underpin my days.

Anyway … I share this because maybe the thing I am most grateful for is that fact that I choose to look with grateful eyes. We typically find whatever it is that we are looking for. If we are looking for what is right, we will find it. If we are looking for what is wrong, we will find that too. I caught an episode of “Oprah” many decades ago in which she spoke about developing a daily gratitude practice. She stated that it had changed her life. I was inspired by that thought. I determined that if it was good enough for Oprah … it would be good enough for me.

So, way back in 1999, I bought a luxurious leather bound journal and started recording my appreciations into it. Every day I jotted down five things I was grateful for … and … I made it a rule that I could not say the same thing twice. So, at the risk of having to repeating myself, I noticed that I started consciously seeking things each day that I could record into my list the next morning.

It was the most amazing thing! I started to recognize all the things that previously escaped my awareness. I became far more conscious about the things that were going well and right, rather than the wrong and bad eclipsing my gaze. This shift in focus generated positive neural pathways for me that got myelinated each and every day. The more I did it, the easier it got.

I recorded my ‘gratitudes’ faithfully for years … and then … fell away from it for some years … and then came back to it again. As you can see, I had determined my 2020 vision was going to be set on “Seeing the Gifts.” If only I had known how difficult but necessary that was going to become ………..

Yes. I am most grateful for my gratitude practice and the way it has shaped my gaze. Even though I am not writing it down each day anymore, I find that my brain is still cued to notice the things that are going well, to see the gifts in my challenges and to bring light to dark … and even … to notice the things that I don’t want, that I don’t have. And, for all of THAT, I am most and ever grateful.

With heartfelt appreciation, 💖 Karen 💖

To Let Go …

Source Unknown … but deeply appreciated!

Better Because I accepted the 100 Days of Happiness Challenge … Again!

A video popped up on my Facebook memories on August 8, 2019 … a full five years after the last time I accepted the challenge … and … at first when I started watching it, I was put off by my own energy.  I thought I sounded really sappy and far too ooey gooey. I was tempted to turn it off, but then, as I focused upon the content rather than the delivery of my message, I was actually inspired to take The 100 Days of Happiness Challenge again! And … as I now come to the completion of another 100 days, I am exceptionally grateful that I did!!

As I mentioned in the video, this ‘challenge’ is not in the least bit frivolous, gratuitous or self-indulgent. It is not intended to be an opportunity to use social media to show off the great things in my life. It is, in no way, a self-focused effort to draw attention to myself and take up space on-line.  Rather … it is a deliberate attempt to rewire the brain.

Yes … we are neurologically wired to notice what is wrong … not … what is right.  And, as the most prominent neuroscientists are teaching us, we must make a conscious effort to wire our brains in the direction of honoring the things that are going right in our orbits.

Rick Hanson, PhD.

Its a great question to ask ourselves!  Where has your mind been resting over the past week or so?  I have experienced that The 100 Days of Happiness Challenge can actually shift where our mind is mainly resting!  It invites us to recognize, acknowledge and savour all the positives that already exist in our lives. Without our deliberate effort, many of these ‘good’ things would unwittingly go unnoticed … they would simply slide out of our awareness like an egg in a Teflon pan.

And … posting on social media is a way of deepening the experience!  It is a way of holding the ‘good’ in the brain for long enough for new positive neural pathways to be generated … and … for older ones to become more highly myelinated. The time it takes to find a picture and to write a little bit about what made you happy sustains your focus and prompts the protein synthesis for rewiring our neural networks.  It’s kind of like sitting around the fire on a cold night … if you want to stay warm, you need to throw another log on the fire!  With each and every positive that we hold in our minds for at least 10 seconds, it’s like we are tossing a log onto the fire of positivity in our internal systems.

The other magnificent benefit of taking on this project is that I instinctively find myself looking for what is ‘right’ as I make my way through the day. Metaphorically speaking, I am always looking for ‘the logs’ to add to my wood pile so my fire won’t fizzle out.  In order to be able to keep my public commitment to posting something on social media that makes me happy (on a daily basis for 100 days) means that I need to really pay attention to what is making me happy every single day … the big, the little and all the shapes and sizes in-between.  It effectively shifts my gaze from unconsciously focusing upon whatever is wrong to consciously noticing what is right. Because … both dark and light co-exist in our lives. Only always.

Source Unknown but deeply appreciated!

And, believe it or not, doing this ‘Challenge’ has shifted my focus so that I am deliberately seeking out that little dot of good, even on the most challenging days.  And, in doing so, the hard stuff (that is also concurrently going on in my life!) is just a little easier to bear.  The unwelcome stuff can’t take me down as far or as fast when it is being balanced by reminders of what is going well in my world. Perception is so powerful!!

And, it’s actually been quite interesting to recognize that as I have collected my ‘happy moments’ through the day, I rarely find just one. It’s fascinating to notice how ‘what you are looking for’ is actually shaping ‘what you see’!! And, there were quite a few day when it was really hard to narrow down my options in order to choose just one of them to post.  And, on a couple of occasions, I think I even posted a ‘part 2’. 🙂

Source Unknown

And so, I would also like to point out that, for me, making a public commitment to post my ‘happiness’ on social media is a conscious strategy to ensure that I keep looking for what is right and well with my world.  At the risk of mixing my metaphors, it’s a deliberate effort to ensure I throw enough logs on my fire … and/or … that I keep watering my grass. I am a person who likes to keep my word … so … I am far more likely to keep making the effort if I make a public promise to post for 100 Days. Otherwise, in all honestly, it would be pretty easy to get busy and simply let it slide off my radar for a few days.  And then, it wouldn’t be long before I simply stopped doing it.

Source Unknown

So, as I arrive at this 100th day of my second Happiness Challenge … there is a part of me that is actually reluctant to stop. I really appreciate the way this project has shifted my gaze and filled my spirit.  I like the way this project has obviated many of the things I tend to take for granted. I like the way this project has added a sense of lightness to my perceptions. I am grateful for how my brain is being rewired. I can literally FEEL the difference.

I have been so very grateful to the others who joined me over the past 100 days.  I thoroughly enjoyed all your posts too … and … even found myself searching them out if they didn’t show up in a timely manner in my Facebook or Instagram feed.  And, I very much enjoyed the comments from those of you who weren’t doing the challenge yourselves, but were engaging with me as I did mine! Thank you for meeting me on the page!! You made the whole experience even richer for me! ❤

And so, in all honesty, it is really tempting to just keep doing it.  But, I don’t really trust that I will unless I have made a public commitment to do so. The good news is that I will get to keep doing it for a while.  I had started a secret group on Facebook with a couple of people who wanted to try it, but didn’t want to do it so visibly. And, I am happy to say that we have agreed to keep doing it together for a while longer!

Lastly … I would never expect you to believe my experience. However, I would certainly invite you to consider taking the 100 Days of Happiness Challenge if you ever get a chance. You might be surprised by the gifts you might gain.

With much gratitude for my newest neural pathways, Karen

 

 

 

 

 

 

“(S)he wouldn’t hurt anyone …”

Source Unknown

Your dog is beautiful. You love them. They adore you. And … you think your dog is harmless.  I know you believe this to the core of your soul … and … I would agree that your dog is completely harmless to YOU.  But this is not necessarily true when it comes to OTHERS.  Your dog has a primal instinct to protect YOU.  I completely respect that, but many dog owners aren’t aware of the challenge this innate predilection creates.

And … you may defend by saying that your dog has never ever harmed anyone.  And, I’m guessing by that you mean that they have never bitten anyone. But … ‘biting’ is not the only way your pooch can do ‘harm’.  In fact, the upset/distress/harm experienced by another because of your dog may not be at all obvious to you.  Allow me to explain …

I love to be outdoors … walking, running … metabolizing the stresses of my day with the bright sunshine warming my heart and cleansing my soul.  For me, it is not only the physical exercise, but a walk or a run is so good for my emotional and mental health. I am a counsellor (generalist practice) and EMDR therapist (trauma work) … so … I spend the bulk of my work days immersed in the pain and wounding within other people’s worlds. I love my profession. In fact, I wouldn’t want do anything else …. but … given my passionate commitment to this heart work, it’s imperative for me to find ways to release any stress and/or compassion fatigue that has accumulated in my own system.

Source Unknown

And so … my time enjoying the out of doors is such a precious piece of my own mental health.  And it remains entirely therapeutic for me … unless or until … I come upon unleashed or loose dogs. It’s not that I don’t like dogs. I do. It’s just that, unfortunately, I have come to fear the ones I am often confronted with outdoors.

My fear first began a few years ago when I was out for a morning run and crossed paths with a family … complete with stroller, preschool children and a beautiful large dog.  He was leashed as I approached them and attempted to pass by on the path. I’m guessing the canine misinterpreted the bounce in my step as an invitation to play because he unexpectedly lunged towards me and caught my upper arm between his incisors. Yes … he was tall enough to reach my bicep.

I stopped in mid stride when I felt the pain.  They just kept on walking.  I looked at the torn flesh on my arm and called out to them “Your dog just bit me.” They continued walking away, not even pausing … never mind turning back to assess the situation nor offer apology.  The person holding the leash casually called back over his shoulder … “He was just playing.” “But” I responded (pleading out helplessly to the back of their heads) …“he drew blood.”

They never even looked back.  They were certain their dog meant no harm, so they completely disregarded the incident. I was aghast. And injured. And left abandoned on the path.  I stood there in utter disbelief until I could no longer see their silhouettes in the distance.

My mind was racing to comprehend what had just happened! Your dog bites a passerby and you dismiss the incident and injury as an intent to play?  What does your dismissal of the harm caused by your dog teach your young impressionable children about compassion and accountability and responsibility? I wondered how they were justifying their dismissal, disregard, ignorance of the event as they merrily continued to enjoy their walk outdoors. Correct me if I am wrong, but I’m deliberately calling it ‘ignorance’ because for them to choose to ‘ignore’ the injury is entirely ‘ignorant’ of the norms of human decency that we purport to uphold in our culture.

I still had a fair distance to go and the blood was trickling down my arm.  The local hospital was on my route home … so I stopped in to get a bandage.  The nurse was kind and compassionate … her empathy was comforting.  She cleaned the wound and warned me that if the dog’s shots were not up to date I could be at risk. She strongly recommended that I report the dog.

I pondered it all for the whole day … knowing that if I reported it, the authorities would NOT take my unprovoked injuries lightly.  We live in a relatively small town, so when my husband got home that evening, he was able to track down the dog’s owner and called him to ensure the dog’s vaccinations were current. Fortunately, they were. When my husband pressed the owner for an explanation of his conduct … he offered an apology. For me, however, it was a little too late to seem sincere. I wish I could say that the flowers he had delivered the next day made it any better. But they did not. They felt more like a ‘thank you’ for not reporting his expensive, exotic breed of dog, rather than a genuine effort to make amends for harm done.

One would think this would mark the end of the event. It was over, right?  Wrong.

Little did I know … but this was just the beginning of a whole new chapter in my life. I had no idea that the emotional arousal of this experience would become registered as a traumatic event within my limbic system.  And, that the hyper-arousal and unprocessed alarm of the event could be and would be triggered and reactivated, again and again, into the future … when and if I was accosted by dogs in the great outdoors.

And, since that day … my bestie and I have been chased and charged and cornered by dogs on several occasions!  I can tell you that one feels entirely vulnerable when a dog bounds unexpectedly across and down a street and won’t let you pass by … circling your ankles with bared teeth and vicious snarls. This has happened more than once.  When the dog owner in one of these scenarios finally captured his dog … he offered no apology.  Rather, he dismissed the whole incident by contending ‘he’s just a little dog’.  YES.  And may I say … the little ones seem to have something to prove. And regardless of their stature … they still bite … hard. 

And then, of course, there are the big ‘friendly’ ones!  Like the one my hubby and I encountered this morning … he enthusiastically lumbered towards us … both uninvited and uncontrolled by the owner.  I hid behind my husband.  The owner said he was sorry to have scared me but defended that “He’s just a big goof ball … he wouldn’t hurt anyone.” Sure. Easy to say … until it happens. Upon recognizing that I wasn’t comforted by his nonchalance, he looked down at his dog and said: “Come on … let’s leave the old lady alone.” Huh??  It might not have felt so offensive if I had not so clearly heard ‘old biddy’ in his disparaging tone. Perhaps he got defensive because we all knew he had to drive right past the off leash dog park to get to the area where we were all walking.  Grrrr.

But seriously …’old’ lady??  Well … okay, maybe true.

How about ‘scared’ lady?  Most certainly truer.

How about ‘innocent’ lady?  For sure. Absolutely. 

Maybe I should just be a ‘grateful’ lady? Clearly, its better to be insulted by the owner than bitten by their dog.  Obviously … there was no need for any extra compassion, because this dog owner saw no harm done.

On another occasion, a landscaper had his dog unleashed while he was working on a yard.  He was entirely unconcerned when his dog bounded towards us. I stopped in my tracks … distressed as the dog nosed towards my crotch.  I asked him to come and get his dog.  He  assured me that his dog wouldn’t hurt me. I was frozen … terrified to move. I actually pleaded with him to please come and get his dog. He smirked … apparently amused by my fear. I was reduced to grovelling for him to come get his dog away from me.  He snickered. Yes. I was terrified and was being mocked despite my outcries for help.  When did we devolve to the place where we think it is amusing to watch people suffer?

I completely lost it. I came entirely unglued.  My bestie’s eyes grew wider with deeper concern when I dropped the f-bomb. She had never before seen me in such a state of terror.  My fight/flight system had entirely taken over my system.  I was experiencing a full out trauma response. Yes.  Even though this dog never bit me … it was still a traumatic experience.  You see…. trauma isn’t something physical that happens ‘out there’ in the world somewhere … it’s something emotional that happens internally when we become hyper/hypo aroused and alarmed beyond our window of tolerance. And when old traumatic wounds get reactivated, we will find ourselves in fight, flight or freeze.

Source Unknown

It used to be that when I saw or heard a dog barking in a yard … or in a house … I could just calmly keep on walking or running. Not so any more. Now I experience a highly alarmed visceral response. I can feel the adrenalin and cortisol coursing through my veins. I can feel my blood pressure raise. Unfortunately, my flight/flight system is activated EVERY single time. And … although I am just one … I know that I am not the only one.

My bestie has also been bitten … more than once. One time when we were out for an evening stroll, a very large dog escaped the fenced yard while it’s owners were loading groceries into the house. This dog bolted … crossed the road … and then attacked us FROM BEHIND. My bestie sought medical treatment for the wound on her backside. The owners, on this occasion, expressed concern and regret. But as a result of this experience, even passing by a fenced dog doesn’t feel safe anymore to me. Especially if they are barking or growling. Even now, my heart starts pounding at the mere thought of it …!

And so … I share this for those of you who think there is no harm in unleashing your dog.  You can’t possibly know what is being triggered internally for others when they see that your dog is uncontrolled.  You have the luxury of being comfortable because … there is no chance that your dog will harm you.  I only wish I could feel so calm and relaxed. My body responds automatically.  It is not a conscious decision on my part. I cannot voluntarily turn off my internal alarm system.  And, research indicates that it typically takes at least 30 minutes for the stress chemicals to be metabolized … often longer. And so … I can end up feeling more stressed than when I headed outdoors with the intention to ‘de-stress’. Gah.

I am writing this blog as a call for compassion.  I hope you are hearing that your dog doesn’t have to bite someone to cause them distress and/or harm. Their trauma response may be triggered by the mere presence of your unleashed dog.  And, you would be none the wiser that your enjoyment of the outdoors was at the expense of another.

So … unless you are at an off leash park … please keep your dog controlled by their leash.  And, by that I also mean, please ensure you are strong and able enough to control your dog if you are in charge of their leash.  There are many occasions where leash holders would never be able to hold back a dog that gets aggravated or activated.  And, it is not at all uncommon for us to see dogs pulling their owners along the path.  In those situations, the leash is just an unreliable illusion of control that does nothing to calm my fears.

And finally … “thank you, thank you, thank you” … to all the dog owners who are mindful and considerate of the rest of us outdoors. “Thank you” to all the dog owners who shorten the leash when they come across others. “Thank you” to all the thoughtful dog owners who position themselves between their dogs and the passersby. And “thank you” to those who are kind enough to take their dogs off the path … or … simply halt with them … to visibly display that they have complete control of their canine. Your conscientious efforts to respect and acknowledge the comfort and safety of others is duly noticed, deeply respected … and … most gratefully appreciated!

May we all (young or old!) enjoy the outdoors without fear of emotional or physical harm … Karen

 

 

 

Byron Katie talks with Oprah about making peace with challenges like weight loss … and even … the death of a loved one.

In this remarkable interview, Byron Katie invites us to consider that the challenges we are having with things are because we are believing stressful thoughts about things.  She invites us to consider how a shift in our beliefs can reduce our stress and sadness around weight loss struggles …and/or …even the death of a loved one.

Powerful shifts in perspective … k

We Get What We Tolerate …

There have been countless times in my life where I have hit the end of the line.  There are times when I know in my heart that enough is enough. I’ve been pushed to the limit.  And, I’m solid and clear that I am simply not going to deal with or put up with ‘it’ (whatever it is) anymore.

And then … 40 minutes, 40 hours, 40 months, 40 years later … there I am … complaining about the same dang thing. And I find myself questioning that if I was really so “done” with it then …. how come I am still dealing with ‘it’ now?  I’m guessing some of you can also relate.

Or sometimes the end of the line looks something like this.  We catch our selves declaring, with complete exasperation:

“Why does this always happen to me?”
“I just can’t handle this any more!”
“This has to S T O P!”
“Oh no … NOT again!”

Well … there is a reason for the persistence of that which we say we don’t want anymore.  In the words of the infamous life coach, Tony Robbins:

“We get what we tolerate.” 

And so … if we are still enduring whatever it is that we were so ‘done’ with … whether it be personally, professionally, culturally, globally … it means we have continued to tolerate ‘it’ in some way … for some reason.

I learned in my life coaching training with The Ford Institute that we tolerate the unacceptable because despite our aversion to ‘it’ we are actually more deeply committed to something else.  For example:

• We are deeply committed to losing weight, but we are more committed to snacking because it helps soothe the pain in our hearts.
• We fail to set up firm boundaries with someone … because we are more committed to being ‘nice’.
• We tolerate the challenges of staying with an addicted partner because we can’t bear to be perceived as the kind of person who abandons someone who is struggling?
• We tell our kids it’s time to turn off their iPod … and then we let them ignore us because we are too tired to muster up the energy we’d need to argue them into submission.
• We want to give up on something … but we persist because we rather not feel like a “failure”.
• We give and give and give until we are empty because we don’t want anyone to call us “selfish”.
• We tell ourselves that if the boss says ‘that’ one more time, we’re quitting … but we never do because we really need the money.
• We desperately need to ask for help … but don’t want people to think we are weak, stupid or incapable.
• We don’t stand up for ourselves because we feel so much compassion for the other person … we know they are just really stressed and didn’t mean to hurt us … again.

I could go on and on with the list of examples, but you get the picture. We say we want one thing, but in reality, as my mentor Debbie Ford explained … we have ‘underlying commitments’ that keep us stuck in unfavorable patterns.  And so, if we really want to be ‘done’ with ‘it’ … we have to be willing to uncover the subconscious pay off and risk losing whatever it is we’ve been getting from putting up with ‘it’.

And this is where we need a whole schwack of brave … and … a whole ton of determination.  This is where we must push ourselves beyond the ‘toleration’ and must challenge our deeper needs, fears and foibles.  This is where we need to take a really good look at what has been keeping us stuck.  And, this is where it can help to have a counsellor, a therapist, a life coach or a support group to help us figure our way through it all  … because … it is really hard to see the picture when you are inside the frame.  But, I have also learned that it can be one of the most fascinating journeys of your life!

Source Unknown

What if things could actually change? What if you really could be ‘done’ with whatever it is that is keeping you stuck? What if you didn’t have to keep tolerate ‘it’ anymore?

What if … for 2018 … as a gift to ourselves … we committed to surrendering one of the things we have been tolerating, Karen

 

 

 

 

 

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