JOURNAL PROMPT – February 25, 2021: What life experience has strengthened you the most?

The answer to this journal prompt is easy. The life experience that has strengthened me the most was the life experience that I thought was annihilating me forever. My eldest daughter left home two months after her 15th birthday. After growing up in a less than Hallmark home, I had invested so much effort into creating what I thought was the ‘perfect’ home for my little girls. I could not fathom how she was rejecting it … and … me.

While it seemed at the time as the worst possible thing that had ever happened to me, it was actually the catalyst that led me to the path of healing. And, I must concede it was a path I did not even know I needed to be on. I naively thought I had made my way through my unfavorable childhood and had fairly effectively managed the wounds I had collected in my lifetime. I didn’t have any clue there was so much left to heal. But, thanks to my exceptional daughter, I could no longer delude myself into the notion that ‘the teenager’ was the only source of the problem in our house. When she was no longer in the picture (or in the house), I had nowhere to project my distress.

I had nothing I could do except look inward and see how I could find my way though the mess. I initially sought solace from the pain of ‘losing her’ … but in doing so … I found my way to a much grander healing. I discovered the body of work of Debbie Ford … which lead to so much growth … which led to me getting trained as a Certified Integrative Coaching Professional …which led to me going back to school ,.. which ultimately led me back to my childhood career dreams of becoming a therapist and being able to help others overcome their own wounding. It not only led me to my career in counselling, but expanded my gaze and softened my heart and widened my capacity for understanding.

And … it was not an easy path to healing. Debbie’s body of work is not for the feint of heart. As I peeled back the layers of the person I thought I was, I was flabbergasted to see that I gained as much as I surrendered. And, somehow, my relationships with ALL my daughters were optimized as I healed myself. Yes. I am stronger because I am healthier emotionally. I worked through much of the traumatic default patterns of behavior that were negatively impacting my parenting style. I started to identify things (thoughts, words and deeds) that I didn’t even realize were not serving me well.

As guided by Debbie Ford and her impeccable body of work, I embraced all my dark shadows instead of continuing to try to out run them or hide them or deny them. I learned to embrace all my perceived shortcomings … recognized my self-righteous positions. I humbled my pride and dropped the mask I had been wearing that I believed was protecting me. I tenderly touched into my shame, welcomed my vulnerability and honored my mistakes. I made honest amends (for ALL of things I was still holding judgement against myself – going back to when I was 10 years old). I courageously faced my embarrassments. I owned my anger and unwrapped the strength and wisdom that was tucked inside it. I reckoned with my fear of weakness and allowed it to help me be compassionate with myself. I settled into my vulnerability and gave myself permission to mess up and be human.

And, ironically, it was in that space of fragility that I found my freedom. I discovered such reverence and compassion for my own heartaches and heartbreaks. I became aware of the insidious ways in which I had already and could continue to hurt others. I assumed responsibility for ensuring that my intentions were honorable. I investigated when I noticed they were not. I usually discovered where I was justifying my attack thoughts in my unprocessed wounding.

I also claimed my light shadows. This was almost harder than embracing the unwelcome aspects of my personhood. I started to see both the best of who I could be (and was) and unconditionally love and accept the parts of me that I previously judged so harshly. I could go on and on and on and on and on.

There was so much to learn … so much to integrate …and so much to embrace on the other side of my perception of my daughter’s rejection. And, as crazy as it sounds, I will be ever grateful to her for helping me find my truest sense of strength by lovingly embracing my all weaknesses … and … gifting me with the path to more ‘wholeness.’ Yes. I am ever, ever, ever grateful. That horrific feeling of ‘breakdown’ of who I thought I was … turned out to be my invitation to ‘breakthrough’ and claim more of who I could be.

And, twenty-five years later … I am STILL being invited by life to unwrap concealed parts of myself. It never gets easy … but … it is always so very worth it.

Here’s to embracing the courageous warrior within each of us … 🧡 Karen 🧡

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