No one is coming to save you …

You might be surprised by how frequently I meet with clients who wholeheartedly invest themselves in bettering other people’s lives at great expense to themselves.  They have embraced the altruistic adage that ‘what goes around comes around’.  They interpret their self-sacrifice as a noble gesture depicting their love and devotion.  They might even see it as good karma.  They trust that if they just give enough, pray hard enough, wait long enough, and/or suffer quietly enough … someone will finally honor and acknowledge their selflessness by returning the favor.  Seems like a benevolent way to live one’s life, but …

Some of them having been waiting a really, really, really, really L-O-N-G time!  In fact, sometimes they have sacrificed until they are completely spent and downright empty themselves.  Some have tolerated the intolerable for such an unbearably long period of time that they find themselves in such a dark and depleted emotional place that an anti-depressant has been prescribed.  While this doesn’t alleviate the source of the problem, it does bolster their capacity to ‘soldier on’ for a while longer …..

It’s typically the most genuine, loving and kindhearted people who convince themselves that meeting their own needs would be too “selfish.”  Some are just hoping that by living in hell now they will be rewarded with heaven in the long run. Far be it for me to argue that possibility …. but … I do find myself questioning whether the old adage that ‘God helps those who help themselves’ could be just as true or truer?

When clients express feeling really stuck, but have resisted taking action in situations where it seems they still can foster change … or, worse yet … if they have adopted a sense of powerlessness that renders them feeling like helplessness victims;  I will compassionately but candidly invite them to consider an unfavorable prospect – a desperate possibility that ultimately inspired me to step out of my own self-defeating beliefs and behaviors.  I say it not to harm them, but to help them.

No one is coming to save you.

What …? My prickly point is usually punctuated by a long silence, shallowed breathing and a blank stare. Sometimes a tear breaks free …

No one wants to hear such a thing.  It may sound unduly harsh and maybe even blasphemous to some … but flirting with the possibility that waiting may be eternal often propels folks to  step up on their own behalf and resume an active part  in creating their own well-being.  It’s a miraculous moment when people reclaim their own power.  It really truly is … remember Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz?  What if each and every one of us has ‘had the power all along’?  What if we just needed something drastic enough to catch our attention so we could bring that possibility into clear focus … ?

I received my own wake-up call a few years back during one of my darkest moments as one of Debbie Ford’s students/trainees.  Here’s what I learned … about my own pattern of self-denial and self-sacrifice.

I was taking the long way around:

• I give what I need to others…
• I hope that they give it back to me…
• I suffer when they don’t …
• This proves the most painful story I often tell myself: I don’t matter…
• I forget that I had what I needed to begin with … but I gave it away! DUH!!  

And then I repeat the cycle … over and over and over again! 

Why not just give myself what I need???

Ahem … it seems so ridiculously clear in retrospect.  However, I needed a ruthlessly compassionate nudge in order to finally see it for myself.  I have made some remarkably wonderful shifts since I gained this insight.  I share this in case you or someone you know has been marinating in unfavorable circumstances or feeling stuck in a particular situation.  If you are tired of waiting for someone to save you, you might intervene on your own behalf by asking these questions:

What would you do differently if you knew it was up to YOU to take the first step in the direction of making a change you want/need to make?

What is one baby step that you could take on your own behalf?

What just popped into your mind?

What might open up in your life if you dared to act upon whatever came into your mind?

What might it cost you to take that step?

What will it cost you if you don’t?

Where will you be in five years if you continue doing what you are doing?

Give yourself some time to sit with your answers … even if they scare you spit-less. Allow yourself to notice how those answers feel in your body.  Some of the best decisions I have made in my life made me SWEAT profusely the very first time I dared to consider them!

Ultimately, the point is this … even if no one is coming to save you,  you might still be in very good hands … your own!  In fact, what if is is true or truer, that you never needed anyone else to save you after all?   Maybe YOU are the answer you have been waiting for?   What if … ?

Here’s to planting our own gardens and decorating our own souls, Karen